Sister getting married? Best friend tying the knot? Use Scandalous!’s bachelorette party guide, and you’ll be the most in-demand maid of honor in town!
If any of your girlfriends have gotten married, you know there are three things she wants to do in the few hours (or days or weeks) before she becomes Mrs. Willard Shushitski IV:
1. She wants to gurgle and coo about her fiance. She loves him (she’s marrying him, after all) and wants her friends to love him, too, in spite of his horrible toupee and webbed fingers.
2. She wants to spend every waking minute with her fiance. And take pictures of him, and talk about the food processor that Aunt Janie just sent them. (You’d think she’s forgotten there are other hard cocks in the world!)
3. She wants to try her dress on for all her girlfriends…again.
If you’re any gal pal (or bridesmaid, or sister) worth her shit, you will tell the bride-to-be the very same thing that we would: “That’s too fucking bad. You’re coming with us!”
WHY HOST A BACHELORETTE PARTY?
Most sappy wedding books (and Pollyanna bridesmaids) will say that it is the last time that you girls can bond as single hotties on the town. That’s bullshit. You are doing this for two reasons:
1. To embarrass her in public. How many times does this opportunity present itself?
2. To have stories that will be just as bad, if not worse, than the stories that the best man will tell about the bachelor party. And, of course, photographic evidence to back those stories up.
Whether you know it or not, 80% of your party’s success is dictated before it even begins. If you invite the right people, and plan a fun itinerary, she’ll have a ball. She’s really not going to remember who won the Pin-the-Dick-on-the-Dude game, but she will remember she had one of the most fun nights of her life – if you use our guide (and a little pizzazz of your own) to make it happen.
THE GUEST LIST
The bride-to-be’s mom and great aunt are throwing her two showers and are making the centerpiece doilies themselves. Do not let their participation enthusiasm entice you (or guilt-trip you) into inviting any of the bride’s family (the only exceptions here would be super cool sisters or cousins, but have their coolness on good authority before you venture out to strip shows or tattoo parlors). Inviting the groom’s mother is not allowed under any fucking circumstances (like she doesn’t already call the bride-to-be a slut often enough?). Your list of possible invitees may include the bride’s work friends, old college friends or friends from church (unless you think they’d get appaled at seeing their angelic friend acting like a total whore in the club!.) Exercise caution when inviting any of these people (or anyone you don’t know, for that matter) because they could be Bible bangers, or Mormons, or worse. That would not make for a fun bachelorette party. It’s usually best just to stick with a core gang of five to 10 of her closest buds (who are, hopefully, also your closest buds). That way, you’ll know just how much you can misbehave.
Deciding whether or not her bachelorette party should be a surprise depends on a few factors. How far away she lives from your party destination or how far you live from her, may or may not make surprising her a viable option. If you’re suddenly in town “on business” lugging a suitcase full of streamers and asking to crash on her couch, she’ll probably catch on. She’ll also figure out that something’s up if you ask her what she would hypothetically pack if she had the chance to go to Vegas for the weekend. Surprise bachelorette parties only work if a) All parties involved live in the same area (and are able to keep a secret) and b) It isn’t unusual of you to say, “I’ll be over in an hour – where do you want to go out tonight?” and make plans with her when you arrive.
WHERE TO TAKE HER / WHERE NOT TO TAKE HER
Because we don’t believe in at-home bachelorette parties, take her somewhere. Forget the movies, the mall, anywhere where she might run into the groom or his friends. Limos are cheesy – get a driver to haul the gang around in a Rolls Royce. Although she may protest that male dance shows and strippers are “not her thing,” you may want to have that on the agenda just in case Mr. Jose Cuervo helps change her mind – or Mr. Hung Like A Horse makes her forget her she’ll soon be a married woman. If she threatens to run crying from the club if you bring her to such a place, you may want to opt for a dance club. You’ll have plenty of time for sipping General Foods International coffees and sitting around talking about your feelings later. Tonight is the night to get out there and party. If you have the cash, rent a suite at a hotel near where you’ll be out on the town. Go out, eat, drink, make scenes, puke, whatever — but the all-night fun won’t end if there are jars of mud mask and bottles of nail polish waiting for you at the all-night slumber party.
O.K., you love your friend dearly, but let’s face it: She’s jst not the strip club type. Well, don’t despair because there are plenty of cool things you can plan to do, none of which involve men in tear-away pants with long hair stroking their hard dicks (sigh!) Take the alternative bride out on the town in a major city. If you can all afford it, a weekend in New York City, Miami or Vegas (to name a few) holds endless possibilities for mischief and fun. Does she like Broadway shows? Casino gambling? Or would she rather salsa the night away in a sweaty club? Since you’re planning the party, chances are, you know what she’d like best.
For the friend who doesn’t do alcohol (yeah, we know), there’s no reason you can’t have a night of uninhibited fun sans cocktails. After all, if she’s been sober for the past two years, the last thing you want to do is plan a night that revolves around drinking. Chances are, she’ll either fall off the wagon, or sit around sipping juice while you have all the drunken fun. Instead, do as the women in India, Pakistan, Africa and the Middle East have done and have a henna-fest. This beautiful body painting is not only a tradition for the bride in these countries, but also a great way to do something active and personal. Plus, the designs you do are not permanent, so she need not worry about that sultry snake showing under her lacy white wedding gown.
For the woman who likes to know the future, hire a fortune teller. It can be loads of fun hearing about what your romantic life has in store for you, and it’s something everyone can do. Just make sure you invest in a professional. Although it’s all in the name of fun, you don’t want some woman in a turban saying, “I see a wedding in your futrure.” Well, duh!
THE MONEY ISSUE
The amount of money you are going to spend celebrating your friend’s last night as a single woman is one of the things you should definitely all agree on beforehand. While an airline ticket, hotel, meals and entertainment expenses may be par for the course to you, it may not be to others. It’s pretty bitchy to not include someone because of their financial situation, so try and do something that everyone she would want to be present can afford. If this means you can’t hot-air balloon ride into a rock concert being performed just for her, so be it. There’s plenty you can do on a budget, and we don’t mean spending the night hanging out in front of a convenience store. Besides, if you blow your wad (no pun intended) on a huge cover at a club, no one will have enough money to spend on drinks.
As for whether or not the bachelorette should have to pay her own way, generally it is customary for the friends to treat. Sure, you’re already spending a lot on a dress you’ll never wear again, but just keep in mind, this is something you’ll only do once for her (hopefully!)
For dinner, take her and the gals out for Japanese. Don’t eat raw fish—have a chicken teriyaki dinner. The non-spicy mix¬ture of chicken (protein) and rice (carbs) is the perfect foun¬dation for the shots that you are all about to endure. Bonus: Sake, Japanese rice wine, is pretty potent but doesn’t taste it. Your bride-to-be is on her way to being schnockered.
Now is the time to put on the bridal garb. Make sure she has a veil, and don’t forget to hang one of those cheeky “Do a Shot With Me, I’m Getting Married in Five Days” signs around her neck.
Whether you’re at Hunkmania or an ’80s dance club, it’s your job to let everyone know a bride is in da house.This includes, but is not limited to, telling DJs, bartenders, handsome strangers and just about anyone else who’ll listen.
So, you’ve had enough dancing? Now you’ll either want to move on to a bar or restuarant where you can all sit around for some uninhibited girl talk. Make sure everyone recounts their most embarrassing stories about your friend, and listen closely as she reveals that tidbit of information about her sex- capades worthy of shouting out when the priest asks if any¬one knows any reason why this couple should not be wed!
Now it’s finally time to settle in for the evening – not! You’ll probably stay up all night, eating, drinking, talking, laughing (fucking – if it’s THAT kind of bachelorette party!.) After all, it’s probably one of the last nights she won’t be sleeping with you-know-who. Note: It is also your job as maid of honor to make sure partying does not get too out of hand. This includes telling strangers that, no, she was not really serious about eloping with them instead.
Now tere’s the question of whether or not you are expected to bring a gift to the bachelorette party. Since all of our friends already have plenty of their own vibrators, we say that gift-giving is not necessary. Yet, since there are so many cute bachelorette items out there, if you want to appear the clever party goer, there’s no reason you shouldn’t pack heat with a penis ray gun, or bestow a novelty item of your choosing on the bride-to-be. As a matter of fact, never was there a situation so appropriate for tasteless humor as a bachelorette party. But if there is one essential item that must be given to the bride, it is definitely the veil. You weren’t going to let her get away with pretending this whole night wasn’t about her, now were you?
Take pics of her doing innocent things, lots of group photos, but also a few incriminating photos. You never know when she’ll rat you out for something later down the road and you’ll need to retaliate. So if she gets really wasted, snap that pic of her getting freaky with the strippers. Nothing says ‘I’m ready to walk down the aisle’ than a strange cock in your mouth and ass! Digital and smartphone cameras are perfect for instant gratification, and you know she’ll want to treasure that shot of her putting a dollar bill between a stranger’s ass cheeks forever.
THE AFTER PARTY
Whether you crash at a hotel or someone’s house, make sure beforehand that the place is stocked with all the necessities. That includes everything from junk food to aspirin. If a few girls are able to stay, make it into a slumber party, replete with cookie dough, movies starring Molly Ringwald and nail polish. For our friends who had a little too much fun, aspirin, bread and lots of water will do the trick.
A NIGHT SHE’LL NEVER REMEMBER
Hopefully, by the time the party’s over, your bachelorette will have had so much fun, well, she won’t even remember that it was her up there in her bra, having shots poured into her mouth by a shirtless male bartender.
The success of your night of abandon really depends on the people you have there. Even if you would never have so much as a cup of lousy coffee with her best friend from high school, make sure to play nice, if only for the bride’s sake. If you can plan something that you know she’ll like, that goes along with her personality, we guarantee she’ll appreciate it. Just make sure you’re all in the mood for fun. And oh, yeah, please remember: Friends don’t let friends drive drunk (or puke in public after making out with the hot guy standing by the Love Tester).
Any other night of your life, we would never in good faith advise a Scandalous! reader to order a drink with more than three ingredients, or with a name of a sex act you’d think was scandalous in the seventh grade. But it just doesn’t make sense to roast and toast your bachelorette with scotch. So in the name of fun, go ahead an order a:
- Sex On The Beach
- Vodka, Peach Schnapps, orange juice, cranberry juice, and pineapple juice Creamy Sex on the Beach
- Vodka, Malibu Rum, Peach Schnapps, pineapple juice, grenadine and whipped cream and for you purists…
- Kahlua and Grand Marnier
WAYS TO PREPARE THE BRIDE FOR YOUR NIGHT OUT:
♠ Take away her cell— her man can check on her later, and phoning her caterer is just not an option.
♠ Take her shopping for an outfit— the Gap jeans and sweater ain’t gonna cut it tonight!
♠ Tell her the diet’s off tonight— come on, the damn dress will still fit.
♠ Give her plenty of singles— those dancers ain’t workin’ it for free!
♠ Have a supply of condoms – you never know!!!
♠ Make sure she’s eaten— she’ll need something in her stomach to absorb the alcohol.
WAYS TO PREPARE THE GROOM FOR YOUR NIGHT OUT:
♦ Tell him she’s in good hands – yours.
♦ Tell him not to wait up – she won’t see him ’til sunrise anyway!
♦ Assure him she’ll encounter no strange cocks during her night out – even if you know better!
♦ Give him the number of the place you’ll be – the town hall where bingo games take place, of course.