You’re having mediocre sex.

Okay, maybe it’s not you specifically. But there are an enormous number of us having boring, orgasm-faking rolls in the hay and it’s completely unnecessary. Unlike pizza, I don’t subscribe to the theory of “When it’s bad, it’s still good” when it’s comes to sex. Cut the crap. When it’s bad, it’s bad. End of story.

Through conversation and a morbid curiosity in other people’s sex lives, I’ve found that many of us in committed relationships are having worse sex than our single counterparts. It’s counter-intuitive but it’s so often the case.

It’s mind-boggling to me as a single woman. After all, a committed relationship and regular sex should go hand-in-hand. If not, what’s the point? If you’re not making each other’s toes curl, let’s call it what it is. You live under the same roof, you split the mortgage and the bills, and you watch Netflix together. You’re basically roommates. Unsexy as hell.

I want you to sort it out, using my handy guide (you’re welcome).

You have a Madonna-Whore complex

The first buzzkill is one is for my gentlemen and yep, I’m going Freudian on you. Sadly, not all men subscribe to the “lady in the street, freak in the sheets” ideology and frankly it’s a crying shame. The Madonna-Whore complex is a well-known phenomenon where a man looks for a virginal wife while simultaneously lusting after the contradiction of a sexually aggressive woman that he will likely never love and certainly never commit to. Author Pat Gaudette explains this succinctly when she labels it as love without sex and sex without love.

While it’s impossible to justify, it aids in explaining why you see “happily” married (or engaged) men who have a genuinely lovely partner, but they possess a wandering eye as they roam the room for a woman to get down and dirty with. Because – at least in his mind – his sweet, doting, loving wife could never provide that for him. I’ve personally been on the receiving end of this behavior with married or engaged men who approach me, to which my swift reply is always a strong two words (the second one is “off”). As to why I’m viewed as the “whore” in this scenario is another story for another time.

Ladies, is this all sounding familiar? You may remember the scene in Sex & The City where Charlotte takes the bull by the balls and addresses her sexless marriage directly. She stands in the bedroom doorframe in negligee as he tells Trey, “I’m not a Madonna. I’m not a whore. I’m your wife.”


It’s a sexual mismatch

You’re not going to like this one but hey, if you’re looking for sugar-coating and pacifying then you’re in the wrong place. Here’s the thing. I highly recommend sharing your deepest fantasies with your partner, but if you find that you need vastly different things in the bedroom to get you off, then you’re screwed. And not in a good way.

Now, a sexual mismatch isn’t, “He likes feet, you like leather.” No. It means that if he’s Mr. Vanilla and you’re kinky as hell, chances are neither of you will leave the bedroom feeling satisfied. True story.

Your values are out of whack

What do values have to do with sex? An enormous amount, actually. Tony Robbins – yep, the life-coach-come-guru – talks about our six human needs. He labels them as certainty, variety, significance, love / connection, growth and contribution. We all value each of these elements but we prioritize some more than others. That drives our behavior as we are motivated to satisfy our primary needs first.

When translated into sexy fun times, it looks like this. A man – I’m calling to call him Mr. M – values certainty and love/connection above all else. Let’s say he’s in a sexless marriage because he has a serious case of the Madonna-Whore syndrome. He’s bored and wants a bit of variety. Variety, however, ranks last on his list of six human needs. So while his eyes may wander, it’s very much a case of looking on the menu and not ordering. He’s not going to do a damn thing about it. Why? His top needs are met in his current relationship. Boring though it may be at times, he sticks it out because certainty trumps variety.

That all being said – you could of course disregard all of this and continue having mediocre sex. The choice is yours.