My married friend Penelope, a theater critic, had the gleam of erotic love in her dark eyes as she described her deliciously uninhibited lust affair with James, an up-and-coming actor. “When I saw him on-stage, seething with raw sensuality, I felt as if someone placed a hand on my crotch and beckoned me,” she said. “I was so seduced by the sight of him that when I went backstage and he came on to me, I couldn’t resist. It was animal magnetism. He was my actor fantasy man. I had to have him! Had to — even though I was married to a man I adored!”

They had wild sex backstage in a tiny dressing cubicle, with their pants down around their ankles, her ass supported by a wobbly makeup shelf and his big hands. “It was the most exciting sex ever,” she recounted. “And I got addicted to it for about a year. I saw him every time he was in town. I met him in cheap hotels because the whole fantasy was too irresistible to ignore.

“One night, while James and I were together, my husband called. He thought I was just off on an assignment, reviewing a show. He said he missed me and loved me – just as James was behind me, sticking his tongue in my ear. I felt very slutty but it felt damn good! I got out of the affair before I got caught, though. I just felt I needed to live out the fantasy, and so I did. James helped me get it out of my system, and then I returned to my husband. I think I appreciated my husband even more – but I wouldn’t push my luck by cheating on him again… unless…”

Why Chicks Cheat

Sometimes a woman encounters a man she simply just has to have, a man so irresistible – and perhaps so titillatingly wrong that all her sane reasoning goes right out the bedroom window. She might, like Penelope, adore her hubby or boyfriend, yet allow herself to be lured into an affair with someone who offers more of the steamy, satisfying sex she craves. Sometimes the hottie in question is so fuckable and well-hung that a woman knows the relationship is just about good sex. She takes the plunge, but keeps her sights on her current, more sensible long-term situation. (Like when her investment banker beau is about to propose and the object of her unbridled lust is – and probably will continue to be – a starving actor.) A new man might fill a void, or at least temporarily make her feel fulfilled, but she doesn’t intend on leaving her spouse.

caughtIt’s Not Just The Means, It’s The Motion

While there are usually a multitude of emotions behind why a woman may stray from a marriage or serious relationship – lust, anxiety, insecurity, rage, nourishment, or a combination of these – she sometimes doesn’t know why she can’t resist a fling. We’ve all heard: “It just happened!”

Pleasures of the flesh aren’t necessarily the top reason why women stray. According to Dr. Ronnie Edell, sex therapist, sex can, for many women, be ranked fifth or sixth on the list of reasons. On the other hand, sex is numero uno for men.

“My husband ignored me after our baby was born,” says Jane, a paralegal. “So I ended up having a fling with someone at work who was also married. We both had something to gain, and the same amount to lose. We kept each other happy for a moment in time!”

Edell points out that 50% of women who work outside the home today stray, in contrast to 30 years ago, when the numbers weren’t nearly as high because so few women had jobs in the workforce.

Scandalouswomen believes you have as much right to extramarital nookie as your male counterparts but here’s the important point: Get in, get out, see if you can gain from it, and don’t – we repeat – don’t get caught. It’s the intuitive psychology and detail work that will make the difference between a hot but discreet fling and a devastating mistake.

Read on for some important tips.

The Ten Commandments of Cheating

1. Always shower before leaving your encounter. Even if you don’t think you’ll run into anyone, why take the chance of challenging his olfactory nerves? Also, don’t use scented soaps. Even if the soap is your brand, a fresh soap scent is a dead giveaway that you’ve been bathing around.

2. Never mention your lover’s name, even in casual conversation.

3. Don’t volunteer too many details about where you’ve been and what you’ve been up to. Too much info is a sign of a rank amateur. Be vague.

4. Vary your time away so he doesn’t get suspicious.

5. Watch out for pet hair on your clothes – especially if you don’t own a pet. Pay particular attention to locations such as your backside and items like your underwear or a cloth purse.

6. Do everything in your power, short of a blatant criminal act, to make sure your lovers don’t get caught, either. What goes around comes around – right back to you.

7. No matter how much fun it would seem like, never, ever take pictures during your time together.

8. Always practice safe sex. How would it look if you suddenly developed a disease that he knows he didn’t give to you?

9. Don’t return home in a suspiciously good mood – even if it was the best lay you’ve ever had.

10. Don’t cheat in order to get even.

Choose Your Fuck Buddy Well

If at all possible, try to become uncontrollably hot for a man who has more to lose by the revelation of your affair than you do. Safe sex isn’t only about condoms. Do your best to make sure your prospective hook-up isn’t mentally unstable or cruel. Juliet, a Santa Barbara housewife who had trouble ending an affair, concurs: “It was over between Bill and me, and he would not let it go for weeks afterward,” she explains. “It was creepy, and I felt stalked. He would call me at home and beg me to meet him. One time my husband heard me on the phone trying to convince Bill to accept the situation. After much hemming and hawing, I told my husband that I was talking to a girlfriend who was trying to cope with her husband’s leaving her. God, was that a close call!

Location, Location, Location

Although the back seat of a car is a classic trysting site, it’s not the optimum locale for great sex romps unless you’re extremely short or a professional contortionist. Local hotels and motels should only be used as – pardon the expression – a last resort. You’d be truly amazed at how many people can recognize your car parked in the lot of one of these places – even in the dark, from a gazillion miles away. As Hailey, a nurse, reveals: “My affair with the chief of surgery was quite a rush. And how clever we thought we were, ducking off to a nearby hotel for a ‘sex buffet’- until the day my hubby ended up doing some electrical work at a store in the strip-mall right next to the motel. My heart was stuck in my throat when he casually asked me at dinner, ‘Honey, did I see your car near the mall today?’ ”

A friend’s apartment is a better choice if you don’t mind the scheduling hassles, the possibility of being walked in on, and the very real threat of seeing your passionate-yet-discreet undercover affair being passed on to the world via your friend’s big-mouthed cleaning lady or neighbor.

Corporate apartments are plagued with the same annoying difficulties, and getting caught – literally with your pants down – could result in one or both of you getting fired faster than a speeding bullet, thus ending your current positions as members of productive society. In fact, you might be better off just fucking his brains out in your office or his, after hours, if you have a door that locks!

The trickiest and riskiest location is the space you share with your spouse or lover. Besides the fact that it’s tacky to share the sheets with a third party, there’s a strong chance you could be discovered in flagrante delicto. Not only that, if you’re one of those people who aren’t turned on by the threat of getting caught, the possibility of getting busted can be quite sexually inhibiting.

His place or yours is ideal, assuming that no one – no one — else in the world has a key. Renting or owning a separate living space specifically for the purpose of keeping your men on the side is best. Of course, this arrangement can get quiet expensive, what with a security deposit, utility bills and furnishings – but it’s the best bet for serious cheating.

Timing Is Everything

Indulging in your liaisons during mutual working hours is a good idea because you’re not supposed to be home anyway. A negative aspect, though, is that you’re on a time clock and are forced to get down to business right away, with little time for foreplay and afterglow. Telling your mate that you’re going on a girls’ night out is always a good alibi, assuming, of course, that the girlfriends you’re supposed to be with don’t give you a jingle to mingle during that slated span of time.

Professing to be out with a make – believe buddy carries the least potential for getting you hoisted up by your own straying petard. After all, a person who doesn’t even exist can’t inadvertently let your cat out of the bag. The most important things about making up an evasion is to never leave a paper trail and to always be able to cover your lies.

Successful Affairs Require Creativity

We can’t stress the importance of planning – and creativity – when it comes to covering your ass. Remember: Your aim is to have a successful, fun affair, not a heart-wrenching experience that will make you feel guilty forever. In order to pull this off, you have to be the kind of person who can use time-tested fibs to hide that you were (or will be) having untamed, passionate sex with your illicit playmate.

Some excuses to help you steal away for a few hours include:

1. You’re at your shrink. This works best if you don’t actually have one. Since it’s virtually impossible for psychology professionals to know whether or not you’re getting better, your “treatments” can go on indefinitely. Due to doctor/patient confidentiality, your partner can’t check up.

2. You’re at the gynecologist’s. Everyone knows that this takes about the same amount of time as a full-term pregnancy. Don’t bother to make up a preexisting condition. If your man asks, just tell him everything’s fine. If it turns out later not to be true, you’ll have the sympathy angle working for you.

3. You’re going to visit a friend in the hospital. If you tell your partner that she just had some “female surgery,” chances are he won’t ask for details on her condition.

Excuses for extended time periods like weekends and vacation take a bit more imagination. If pushed to the wall, you can claim you will be:

  • On a spiritual retreat.
  • Serving sequestered jury duty.
  • Helping a friend move to a faraway city.
  • Taking a much needed weekend away in the country to collect your thoughts – solo, of course.
  • Going to a class reunion.

The ugly truth is that no matter what a woman does to cover up a surreptitious dalliance, there’s a chance that some third party is going to find out about it. (Whether they blab or not is a whole different issue.) Ultimately, almost everything private is public, via big mouths or the men’s room wall.

Face it: Out-of-relationship messing around can be a lot of work. Complicated? Sure. Worth the effort? That’s up to you.

Look, Flirt But Don’t Touch

You say that, for whatever reason, you’d never sexually stray from your steady boyfriend or husband, but you’d like to at least do a little mental roaming? There are some hot ways to cheat on your lover with your hands off and your brain on.

Get online and take a wild, erotic ride into the steamy world of cybersex. There are tons of choices — chat rooms, live webcam sites, and more – broken down in categories by fetish, gender predilection, act preferences – you can pop on and off at your convenience, and the real beauty of it all is that you can remain totally anonymous. Go on – get as explicit as you like! It’s discreet and avoids the fear of paper trails and suspicious phone calls.

Phone sex is another choice – and it isn’t just for men! Call up someone, instruct him to say the kinds of things that get you really hot, and masturbate to your heart’s content in the privacy of your own home.

Consider starting up a correspondence with someone by mail. Find a guy who’s got a romantic way with words and send each other titillating missives. Find a book of sonnets in the library and borrow some lines to add a bit of spice to your own words.

How about flexing those flirting muscles and starting up friendly little conversations with men you meet in your day – to – day life. Grab a cute guy in the supermarket produce department and ask him if iceberg lettuce tastes better than romaine. Spot a hot hunk in the bookstore and ask him to recommend a great new novel. Snag a man at the driving range to help you with your swing. Innocuous conversations such as these can really put a spark in your day and remind you of just how sexy you really are!

Read romance novels and erotica written by women. People who have never delved into them don’t really realize just how hot these tomes can get. If Scandalouswomen’s Her Story section gets you hot and sets your vibrator smoking, give them a try!

Take in a male strip club either solo or with friends and get wild with a naked guy dancing for you enjoyment.

Sometimes there’s no good reason for a woman not to seek sensuality in the arms of another; for example, when she’s emotionally detached from her mate, but for a variety of reasons, is unable to detach herself physically (usually due to kids, and the fact that the car and house are in his name).


  1. Great tips. There are a few that would be hard to pull off – I mean, in the age of the cell phone?? My suggestion is either have separate bills than your man or pay yours online so he never sees the bill.

  2. Great tips! But I’d also say before cheating it’s got to be worth testing the water to see if he’ll agree to it. Most guys won’t, obviously, but there are plenty who like to share, so why not see what his reaction is?

    My wife didn’t do that – she just wanted a bit of variety and went out to get it. I found out and it took a lot to get through it – it was a very painful experience.

    Now she gets to play with whoever she wants with my blessing. It would have been so much nicer if she’s sought it beforehand.

  3. Now that is a thorough article. I’d like to see some more info on using social media and smartphone apps to cover my tracks. I do have a great fiance but there’s this other guy who is just to hot not to sample.

  4. It’s time for more men to wake up and realize that strong women can’t be tied down to just 1 penis for the rest of their lives. There are just too many fun, more well-endowed candidates out there to be vetted and used for our enjoyment. And Honey, when I say I’m going out “with the girls” — Don’t wait up!

  5. I agree with you MistressEve, but there’s some guys out there like me who do know this and are fine with our girlfriends dating other guys. Like the first woman in this story, I believe if a woman wants a man, she should be able to do as she pleases.

  6. I really don’t mean to spam or anything, but I just felt strongly about this article so I felt the need to post something.

    I’m just so deeply disturbed by the thought of people promoting extramarital relationships, or cheating.
    I mean in theory I can understand the concept behind cheating, but I really don’t understand how the ‘benefits’ of it could ever outweigh the potential costs to your loved one’s well-being, and not to mention both of your health (i.e. STIs).

    I suppose I could be naive due to my young age (22), and lack of ‘experience’ (never married), but if people have diverse sexual interests – including having sex with ‘new’ partners – I feel as though they should discuss that and come to some kind of understanding as a couple. Perhaps my views on “intra-marital” sex are more liberal than most. I just feel that your partner should be included in whatever it is that is sexually satisfying to you even if it doesn’t technically include them.

    If it’s the thrill of a having a ‘secret’ that is what gets you off – perhaps think of an open marriage with your husband as a ‘secret’ to the rest of the world. It’s definitely still considered taboo – and therefore probably not something you want your tennis friends or boss to find out.

    I sincerely hope that I do not wind up as part of that 50% statistic. I just don’t understand the dishonesty. Sex is important to just about everyone — if you discuss it openly you’ll probably get a lot further than you think.


    P.s. @ David S. – I’m glad you and your wife came to some kind of understanding, that I hope works for you both.


    Thanks for writing. Infidelity is almost as old as marriage itself. But as new scientific evidence mounts that non-monogamy is a much more natural state for humans and as economic factors allow more and more women to stray, it’s obvious we all will be faced with that decision eventually. Given that reality, doesn’t want to preach to or judge women who decide to dip their toes in those waters. Instead, we opt to demonstrate what their options are and how to achieve them in the safest and more secure manners possible.

    You’re absolutely correct. Having an open arrangement or cuckold agreement is much more desirable than having affairs and strongly encourages those. Sometimes, though, they are not options and women may need the therapeutic benefits of a fling. Ultimately it is a personal decision. Women get negative information about it from all sides. But all the factors of it are not negative.


  7. I can’t agree with this article. Cheating is akin to any kind of fraud, with much more dire consequences. You are taking away your partner’s(the man who you thought you loved) time, money, and love that he could choose not to spend with you, if only he knew what kind of person you are(and how little you care about him). After you cheat, each moment that passes is a moment that he could be spending with someone who really loved him. You are taking away his right to decide on his happiness.

    It makes me sad that in this day and age there are people that still can’t grasp the simple notion that anti-social behaviour is BAD. Cheating is WRONG. It causes potential and real damage to those around you. Encouraging someone to cheat on your partner( yes, this article is encouraging women to cheat, through means and words) is on the same league as encouraging someone to take advantage of situations through shoddy means.

    I’m utterly dissapointed with this site. I’m sex-positive, but i don’t believe in tricking anyone to get security, companionship, status in our society, or a family. Remember the golden rule girls.

  8. I’d like to thank you for a light hearted approach to a very serious issue. While it’s certainly a good thing for couples to fall in love, be everything to each other and live happily ever after, that just isn’t reality to many people.

    Several recent books (“Sex at Dawn: The Prehistoric Origins of Modern Sexuality” and “Insatiable Wives: Women Who Stray and the Men Who Love Them”) explore the biological and evolutionary fact that humans are not designed to be monogamous. The latter explores the concept of non-monogamous female sexuality. Both are great reading.

    Psychotherapist Esther Perel, author of “Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic,” says affairs may actually strengthen a marriage for some couples. According to Perel, most affairs have little to do with the marriage and more with a person needing other intimate relationships in their lives. So expecting your spouse to be your everything is setting yourself up for failure. As she sees it:

    “One of the things that defines modern couplehood is that we believe there is one relationship for everything and that one person is going to give you what an entire village used to provide… But here’s the problem: What provides stability and consistency is not necessary what provides surprise and change and risk, which is a key part of erotic intensity.”

    One key to a great marriage is having a healthy sex life, she advises, and finding ways to maintain an “erotic connection.” Couples who lose the spark also risk straying. But even when one spouse does cheat, Perel sees a window of opportunity because, as she puts it, “If they can bring that energy home, that can energize the marriage.”

    So while the thought of cheating may not appeal to everyone, judging those who choose that lifestyle would be like a vegan condemning a meat eater. Millions of years of evolution, biology and psychology are on their side.

  9. Really appreciate you sharing this article.I’m going to quote it in a term paper I’m writing on female sexuality. Thanks Again.