Female domination suits some women and not others. Would it suit you? Let’s ask first whether it appeals to you. We tend to do well at what arouses our enthusiasm. Some women are so far from enthusiastic as to reject female domination outright. Their reasons are diverse, but they’re all valid. I can assure you that if you know female domination isn’t for you, you’re right—it isn’t.
Some women are interested—maybe even more than interested—but they’re committed to relationships so nearly perfect as to discourage tampering. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Perhaps, but if your relationship is so solid as to be unbreakable, you won’t really be taking much of a risk; if your interest in female domination is strong, acting on it might be worthwhile. Maybe your partner even has fantasies of becoming your love slave. Perhaps when you met, he sensed that you’re the sort of woman who’s capable of enslaving him and that’s part of what attracted him to you. Of course it’s hard to be sure, but you might suspect it, especially if he gave you this book.
Women who try female domination usually do so out of either enthusiasm or desperation, sometimes both. Enthusiasm is simple—That’s for me! Lemme at him! Desperation is more common. A woman is committed to a relationship that her partner is making insufferable and she needs a way to overcome his stubborn refusal to change. Women who try female domination out of desperation are sometimes enthusiastic, but not always, and desperation is certainly nowhere near as good a predictor of success as enthusiasm. A woman who is desperate without being enthusiastic will often succeed if she still has some affection for her partner, likes sex, has the personal attributes that make an effective dominatrix, and is reasonably comfortable with both the idea and the techniques of female domination. A woman who has come to hate her partner, dislikes sex, feels there’s something unnatural about female domination, or is disgusted by the techniques of female domination, won’t succeed.
Unfortunately, though revulsion guarantees failure, enthusiasm doesn’t guarantee success. Enthusiasm makes success likely, but it’s possible for a woman to believe in female domination as an ideal, even fantasize having a love slave, yet still find the actual doing of it so alien to her nature that she can’t. What I’d like now is to invite you to assess yourself for the purpose of forming a realistic opinion of whether you could succeed at sexually enslaving a man. Perhaps the results will temper your enthusiasm; perhaps they’ll overcome your doubts if you’re unenthusiastic but desperate; perhaps they’ll reinforce your doubts; perhaps they’ll even reinforce your enthusiasm. What I’m hoping is that an objective personal inventory will help you overcome both the contagion of my own enthusiasm and the discouraging influence of society’s conventions, so that whether you decide to use my techniques or reject them, your choice will truly be right for you.
The first thing to consider is whether you’re constrained by a taboo that puts these techniques beyond your reach.
Let’s look at a couple of taboos.
Some women, even after twenty years of marriage, can’t walk around naked in their own homes. Can’t! Could such a woman use the power of her femininity to take control of her marriage? Maybe. It depends on what else she can and can’t do.
Here’s a taboo that’s more remote, not even sexual: Some women (and more men) can’t make an honest and wholehearted attempt to correctly pronounce a foreign language; they have to deform it into the sound system of their own. Taboo goes beyond reluctance. It’s absolute. It makes a behavior not just difficult but impossible. If you can’t use the techniques of female domination, you can’t. Sorry.
If no taboo prevents you from using the power of your femininity to control your man, there’s still the question of how you feel about it. Think about what I did to Patrick that Saturday afternoon and imagine doing the same.
If the idea sexually excites you, or even if it just seems like fun, female domination will very likely suit you.
If you would feel ridiculous—if the slightest difficulty would make you feel like a fool who should never have tried such a silly stunt, while a perfect performance would make you feel like an actress in a play by Georgeann Cross rather than a real woman in a real relationship—then you’re not ready. You may want to practice by doing other things that present the same sort of challenge. If you learn to handle them well, it’s likely that you’ll also be able to manage female domination.
If it would make you feel like a guard in a Nazi concentration camp and therefore bad, you’re probably bumping up against a dogma that’s lodged between your feelings and your perception of them. Try to work your way around the dogma. You may find it helpful to pay special attention to the autobiographical material in this book. I’m a dominatrix, but I’m no Nazi—not even close. As you get to know me, you’ll see where the differences lie.
If you have a strong need to be dominated, and playing the dominatrix would leave you with a terrible sense of loss at having foreclosed the possibility of getting that need satisfied, your choice is clear: go for what you need. The purpose of this book is to help other women (and their men!) develop relationships that will make them happy, not lure you into one that will make you miserable.
If the idea of playing with a man’s cock until he comes bores you—if it never interested you very much to begin with, and you’ve done it too many times with one man or another to whom you felt obligated, when you couldn’t bear to let him inside you—putting yourself in charge isn’t going to make it any less boring. Even if it’s obvious that you need to do something to take control of your relationship, that need won’t make up for your distaste. Your feelings will be apparent to your partner and negate the effect of your attempts to turn him on.
If you feel as I do that a man’s cock is just about the neatest plaything ever invented; if you can’t imagine ever getting tired of it; if you like the way it responds to your touch, the way your play opens your partner up to you, the spectacular show when he comes, the implicit affirmation that the power of your femininity is too great to resist and that that’s what makes it all happen, then you’ll probably derive even more pleasure from sharing aloud the understanding that this wonderful plaything is truly yours, that the power of your femininity really overwhelms him, that you make him come.
I haven’t covered the whole range, but you get the idea. If you honestly find female domination appealing, not just as a political ideal but as something to do, you’re off to the best possible start. Consider now whether you have the qualities that make it a realistic option.
One attribute that’s absolutely essential is trustworthiness. We can examine it in either positive or negative terms, and though I prefer the positive, we’ll start by looking at the negative.
If a man distrusts you, he’s not going to be your love slave, and he’ll distrust you if he has reason to suspect that you mean him harm. If he distrusts you, he certainly won’t let you tie him up (unless he’s in a suicidal depression) and, while you might not want to tie him up very often anyway, his acquiescence is symbolic of the degree to which he’s willing to give himself over to you. If you want to sexually enslave your lover but he doesn’t trust you, you’ll have to earn his trust or you can’t succeed. Coercion alone won’t work, at least not for any length of time. It’s certainly a useful tool for overcoming a man’s initial resistance, but it won’t hold him. True, a token level of coercion may always be necessary to keep your relationship from reverting to the conventional, but if your lover has any means of escape at all, the only way to keep him enslaved over the long haul is to lead him to the belief—his own belief!—that he’s best off as your love slave. He won’t believe that if he distrusts you.
Let’s look at the positive side now—at what you and your lover stand to gain if he trusts you without reservation. He’ll share his most secret thoughts and fantasies with you and love you for accepting them, as well as for using what he tells you to make your control over him all the more complete. He’ll regard you as a safe haven where he can be loved for himself without having to worry about the judgments of the world outside. When you make decisions for the both of you—the kind that men usually make so badly in conventional relationships—he won’t feel resentful because he’ll know you care for him and have his needs at heart. If you treat him lovingly and keep his secrets, he’ll respond with a level of devotion that’s rarely seen. He’ll try to do even more to meet your needs than you do to meet his.
Many times a man has told me, as we rested together after I’d teased him to exhaustion, “That was so embarrassing!”
My answer depends on my mood and on the effect I want to create.
“Wait till you see what I do Saturday!”
Occasionally I answer more seriously. “I’m happy to be able to give you a safe place to enjoy it. Thank you for trusting me to know you like that.”
That sentiment is as much a part of me as the teasing is, and sometimes I feel the need to say it. It always brings a warm response, and the exchange affirms the caring and respect behind the kinky sex. It’s one of the benefits of trustworthiness.
Another quality you need in fair measure is empathy, so you can read your lover’s feelings quickly and respond to them effectively. You’ll be teasing him a great deal, and you have to learn what kind of teasing turns him on, what kind is perceived as mean, what kind has to be avoided because it triggers the recollection of some childhood horror unique to him. You’ll make mistakes, and sometimes you’ll have to apologize for a hurt and administer emotional first aid. Women in general are good at this. The development of empathy is part of our basic training; we’ve always been expected to take responsibility for our relationships, even when we weren’t permitted to control them. If you skipped basic training though, and never made it up, and now find that you can’t always tell whether someone is laughing or crying, it will make for difficulties.
From a positive perspective, a high degree of empathy enables you to play the Loop perfectly. You’ll be able to gauge your partner’s responses accurately, you’ll know where his attention is focused, and you’ll always be sure of what to do and say. Empathy will also make your lovemaking more spiritually rewarding; you’ll be able to read not only the more obvious of your partner’s responses, but his every fleeting emotion. And you’ll know that each one is something that you caused—a gift of feeling from you to him, perhaps exquisitely subtle and complex, made possible by the power of your femininity.
How empathetic are you? If empathy is alien to your nature, please hesitate, at least, before proceeding. If, on the other hand, you’re Empathy Personified, a relationship that you control should be most gratifying to both you and your man.
The ability to communicate effectively
A dominatrix has to be able to communicate well. You’ll be aiming to produce a certain psychological effect in your lover, and this effect is achieved almost entirely by a combination of speech, facial expression and posture. If you’re to succeed, you have to speak well, mug well, and carry yourself well. If you talk in a monotone, if there are words you can’t bring yourself to utter, if your face has the blank look appropriate to a high-stakes poker game, if you carry yourself as though you’re waiting in line to be guillotined, then you’re going to have problems in any relationship and lots of problems in one that you try to control sexually.
If you’re to feed the Loop, you have to be able to tell your man what you’re going to do to him, exclaim over the reactions of his body, and leave no doubt that you know what he’s feeling. If you want him to know that he’s safe with you—that you accept him for the person he is—you have to say the words. Whatever you tell him will be more believable if your tone matches the content of your message, and all your speech will be more effective if it’s well-modulated.
Your face is also a means of communication. Its expression can convey love, curiosity, determination, enthusiasm, and a host of other feelings. If you know how to control it you’ll accomplish a great deal.
Your posture can project confidence or betray fear. It can express lust, boredom or hostility. Adjust it purposefully and the message your lover gets will be the message you intend.
As you take control of the nonsexual aspects of your relationship, you’ll have to let your partner know what you want and need from him, what he must and mustn’t do. If you fail to do this clearly, then punish him for misunderstanding you, he’ll develop resentments that will undermine the relationship.
Consider how well you communicate. Do people often misunderstand you or misread your mood when you think you’re being straightforward? read you too well when you’re trying to deceive? If so, it might be a good idea to take a couple of courses in communication and acting at your local community college before you try the role of dominatrix. If you already communicate effectively and know it, you’re all set to go.
The ability to act strategically
To take control of a relationship, it’s necessary to act strategically. To maintain control of a relationship it’s necessary to continue acting strategically. You need to gather and remember information about your man, implement long-term plans without arousing suspicion, and generally do the right thing at the right time.
Let’s look at some of the preparation that went into my afternoon with Patrick.
During our first two months together, I learned his bowel schedule. When I tied him to the bed, I knew he could comfortably stay put for as long as I might need.
Until that day, I took care never even to mention any form of lovemaking except fucking. That created a context in which he was virtually certain to be embarrassed at having me bring him off by hand while I watched—and not just a little! It also ensured that he would find the varied sex play of the following months exotic and exciting.
The second time we fucked, I got on top. I wanted to see how he liked it, and I found he liked it just fine.
I began our fifth session by telling him I was going to tie him to the bed and fuck him. He couldn’t feign skepticism, because he knew from experience that I could manage the female superior position. Happily, he didn’t argue, panic or ask whether I’m into whips.
It was on that occasion that I first advised him to empty his bladder before I tied him. There are three reasons I bother with this. First, it’s intimate, it shows that I’m comfortable discussing so personal a detail, and it invites him to be comfortable initiating such discussions with me. Second, it ensures that for as long a time as possible, he won’t be distracted by a full bladder. Third, it shows that I’m concerned for his comfort, from which I hope he’ll infer that I’ll treat him well while he’s tied.
I didn’t pull any surprises, just tried to gauge his reaction to the experience. It was all I had hoped for. He was excited in the extreme, he couldn’t take his eyes off me, and his orgasm was the most intense we’d yet shared.
The eighth time we fucked, I tied him again. When he came, I continued thrusting my hips a little longer than I had previously. I kept it up just long enough that he started to squirm but not long enough to make him suspect I was doing it on purpose. That’s how I learned he was one of those men who need the stimulation stopped when they run dry. I found out without letting him know I was interested and without having to make him come by hand before I was ready.
I tied him yet again for our tenth fuck and had him start by eating me so he wouldn’t find it unusual in the future. I didn’t do anything else that could have struck him odd, and I certainly didn’t make him squirm again. The next two times, he was on top and of course not tied.
Ask yourself whether you can manage this sort of thing. Are you a natural spy? Do you have the patience to time your moves strategically? If so, you’ll have much more fun with female domination than if not, and most everything you try will succeed.
A talent for teasing
Because of the nature of the Loop, you’ll find female domination easier if you have a natural talent for sexual teasing. Teasing can probably be learned, and ordinary skill can certainly be perfected to the level of an art, but natural talent makes everything easier.
There aren’t any objective criteria by which you can gauge your talent for teasing, but every woman with whom I’ve discussed the matter knew whether she had it. Some who knew they had the talent had a way of using it that was too mean to be sexy, but that’s a different issue.
Ask yourself whether you’re a natural tease. If you are, you have much of what you’ll need. If not, perhaps you’ll pick up enough pointers here to do reasonably well. If teasing is bad… well, give it another look. Maybe, when you’ve read further, you’ll decide it’s okay.
What about attractiveness? There’s no such attribute. Every woman is attractive to some men and repulsive to some. A man won’t become your love slave unless you turn him on, so if you’re looking for a man and you know you’re going to want to enslave him, choose one who finds you irresistible.
If you’re already committed to a relationship, your attractiveness to your partner becomes very much like an attribute; it’s what you have to work with. Indeed it becomes an essential attribute. You can’t enslave a man who won’t turn on to you. But that doesn’t mean that just because your man doesn’t get instantly hard at the sight of your body, you should give up without trying. We’ll explore what it does mean later, when we discuss the differences between committed relationships and uncommitted ones.
After you’ve considered all the other traits that make an effective dominatrix (or better yet, after you’ve read this book all the way through) there’s one more question to ask: Can I really pull this off?
Confidence at this point reflects a belief, based on objective consideration of your other qualities, that female domination is for you. Confidence is also an asset in itself, making you more difficult to resist. If you’re obviously confident, your lover won’t try to rebuff you with a hostile or impassive front. He’ll know it won’t work. He’ll know that you know that the power of your femininity is too much for him—that sooner or later he’ll have to submit. It’s a loop that feeds his Loop. You succeed because you’re confident and you’re confident because you succeed, and he turns on because he’s embarrassed by his inability to keep from turning on.
Written by Georgeanne Cross