Sex columnist Alexis McKinnis has an enlightening column on cheating/cuckolding and sperm competition. A reader writes, “my boyfriend has been cheated on in a couple of relationships in the past. He said he forgave his last girlfriend and started asking her to share her experiences with him. She never did and continued to cheat. He ended it, because she wouldn’t include him. He continues to fantasize about watching his girl have sex with another man. He says it’s a true act of honesty and love.
He would love it if I would consent to a having a threesome with him and another man. I told him I couldn’t do it. He wants me to fantasize about it with him, and I have tried, but I feel awkward and this upsets him. I love sex, but I’m confused by this. He says I’m a prude. Can you explain what is going on?”
Alexis answers with one of the best explanations (and endorsements) for cuckolding. “Your boyfriend has a fetish, and it’s a pretty normal one. A cuckold is a man who willingly indulges his partner’s sexual exploits with another man and derives masochistic sexual pleasure from it. (Women can also be cuckolds, but your situation is far more common.) Some guys think about it during masturbation and keep their thoughts to themselves, some just use it as dirty talk during sex and some need to pull up a chair while their partners’ orifices are filled by every dick in the room but their own. Trying to pinpoint why your boyfriend has this fetish would be futile; most experts agree that fetishes develop in early childhood with everyday objects before taking on a different form in adolescence or adulthood, when they often become part of our sexuality.
There is a biological theory about cuckolding that involves the notion of sperm competition. It proposes that, when a male thinks his female mate has had sex with another male, he has the overwhelming urge to have sex with her so his sperm can compete with, and hopefully prevail over, that of the other male. Human males have large genitalia in relation to their overall size, and human females have high sexual responsiveness during ovulation. Both are indicators that sperm competition is how we have evolved to reproduce. A man fantasizing about his partner getting pounded by another man isn’t necessarily an act of submission — instead, it might be all about proving his own manliness.
Some guys who have a tendency toward cuckolding develop guilty feelings about their fetish and can even experience sexual dysfunction because they are so distracted trying to stifle their own thoughts while getting it on. Our romance culture tends to impose sexual monogamy as the only true indicator that we love our partners — hence feelings of guilt can arise when another bang buddy gets thrown into the mix, even when all parties have willfully consented. Remember, your relationship is no one else’s business. If your feelings of hesitation have anything to do with how you think others might react, then pause to ask yourself if that’s more important to you than pleasing your partner.
That said, your boyfriend should not be calling you a prude, whatever the reason. If you don’t want to have sex with another man, then he has to respect that. If you don’t feel comfortable indulging him verbally during sex just so he can get off, then he has to accept that. The tricky thing about fetishes is that sometimes they can be deal-breakers. Can the two of you maintain healthy intimacy if you’re not interested in participating in your boyfriend’s fantasies? Will you be able to have mutually satisfying sex if he has to forgo his fetish? It sounds like now is the right time in your relationship to sit down and ask each other those questions.”