Love Signs: April-May 2015

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

taurusYour radiance is about to make everyone squint. No longer will you have to hang out with the lame crowd to see your outer beauty. You’ll look stunning in every light and to every one in your life. Be sure to take advantage of it when the guys are gazing at you. And make sure to indulge in photo ops for the duration of this beautiful time – in and out of the bedroom!

Best day to say cheese:
May 18th
Best day to get some: May 14th

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

gemI’m not trying to sound like a Country “cryin’, lovin’ or leavin'” song but an ounce of dignity is sometimes the hardest thing to measure when you put your whole god damned heart into it. Good intentions are wasted on the wrong people. A new opportunity is about to come your way. It’s going to be grand! It’s time to try something crazy like nude modeling, become an infamous performance artist, win the lottery or at least a door prize at the next party.

Best Bet: An Aries and a Capricorn are flirting. Play your cards right and you can have both… at the same time!
Hottest Dates: April 16th, 24th and May 31st.

Cancer (June 21 – July 21)

cancerThis is one of those periods of time when you wake up every day and someone steals your phone and knocks your Starbucks out of your hand. But sometime around the first of May, this sucky month will be behind you and you’ll rise like a Phoenix from the flames and ashes. A portal to success awaits you in the office and in the romance department. You might trip over it and hurt yourself along the way, but it will all be worth it.

Best Bet: A Libra holds the keys to your kingdom.
Hottest Dates: April 16th, May 25th and 29th

Leo (July 22 – August 22)

leoShe who roars loudest wins, right? Alright Ms. Katy Perry, you always insist on indulging your inner animal and following each and every instinct, setting hearts on fire along the way. The only problem is you may not take criticism well. And every so often someone says you lack compassion for the hearts you’re breaking. Remember, oh ferocious one, what goes around comes around. A little humanity and kindness will serve you well. And payback will be orgasmic. Meow!

Best Bet: An Aries wants to challenge your dominance.
Hottest Dates:  April 5th, 18th and May 21st

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

virgoSometime in the next eight weeks you’ll have an epiphany at work: You’re smarter than your boss. But now isn’t the time to act on it. Lay low and be a team player until she screws up then throw the bitch under a bus. You know you’ve been coveting her corner office and that hot male intern that’s been working for her. You’ll get your chance at both real soon. In the mean time, make sure you’re taking care of the man you have at home. He’s noticed the extra time you’ve been putting in at the office and he may be getting a little restless himself.

Best Bet: A Capricorn who worships the ground you walk on. Take advantage!
Hottest Dates: April 9th, 14th and May 12th

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

libraIt’s getting really difficult for you to keep your love life in balance. You’ve got a great guy at home but lately he’s been running off to hang with his friends at the sports bar. And there’s this hottie in your Yoga class that won’t stop flirting. You’re not fooling anyone! We know you do your stretches in front of him to give him a view of your premium ass. Now the big question is this: How many more nights will you stay home alone until you assume the lotus position on top of Mr. Yoga Man?

Best Bet: A Leo from your past will soon hit you up on Facebook.
Hottest Dates: April 5th, May 9th and 28th.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

scorYou have to know what you want in order to get it or to even go after it. This might explain why you’ll soon find yourself in a quandary over what to do with the rest of your life. Don’t worry! Nothing bad is going to happen so lighten up! Your world isn’t going to come to screeching halt because you don’t have a five year plan. Real life happens when you decide to start living it. So if anything is stagnating in your life – your job, your relationship – it may be time to put out feelers for something new. Most things in life are like buying new shoes. You have to try some on before you find a pair that fits.

Best Bet: A Pisces who makes you wet!
Hottest Dates: April 17th, May 14th and 21st

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 20)

sagYour boss has been giving you the cold shoulder lately so you decide to step up your game this month. After buying an expensive business bitch suit and barking a few orders at your underlings, you’re going to realize your boss’s issues have nothing to do with you – you’re just as fabulous as ever! But you didn’t buy that outfit for nothing. Your man loves the new all business attitude you have – especially when you’re wearing those sexy stilettos!

Best Best: An Virgo who wants to have a MMF threesome with you and your guy.
Hottest Dates: April 10th, 17h and May 27th

Capricorn (December 21 – January 20)

caprYou may have to dial back some of your Capricorn ‘mean girl’ nature over the next few weeks as morons at work really try your patience. They haven’t learned their place is under your heels yet but soon will. Don’t take your frustrations home because your man may already be frustrated by the complaining you’ve been doing. Relieve your frustrations on him in the bedroom instead. It’s been a while since you dug your nails across his back and made marks but that kind of orgasm just might be what you need.

Best Bet: A Taurus wants to invite you to a party. Say yes.
Hottest Dates: May 12th, 26th and 29th.

Aquarius – (January 21 – February 18)

aq“Thank you for calling. We’re experiencing longer the normal hold times. We estimate your hold time to be 12 hours and 52 minutes.” Sorry, Aquarius. Your life seems to be one long on-hold session and nothing you do seems to happen fast. So why not just wait it out? Have a few extra Cosmos, buy a new sex toy and chill Things are definitely going to pick up as you get closer to summer.

Best Bet: An Aries is just a big flirt. Or is he?
Hottest Dates: April 29th, May 14th and 23rd.

Pisces – (February 19 – March 19)

picYou broke his heart a few years ago but now he’s working at your company. Awkward! But he’s been hitting the gym and it shows. Would there be any harm in one fuck for old time’s sake? No, but you’ll have to be willing to break his heart again in return for one night of him worshiping you down below. It MAY be worth it but keep in resulting drama out of the office!


Best Bet:  A Sagittarius wants to star in his own version of 50 Shades of Grey with you.
Hottest Dates: April  7th, May 24th and 26th.

Aries – (March 20-April 19)

ariesYou wanted your man to have a spine, to be able to decide on a fucking movie and not cower in fear when you sneeze. Well, now he’s changed and not giving you those foot massages and marathon tongue sessions. He’s finally grown some balls and other women are noticing! Just remind him how hot you are in bed and you’ll have him whipped again in no time. But in the future, think twice before you start whining about being treated too well!

Best Bet: Another aries tempts you.
Hottest Dates: April 10th, 24th and May 22nd