The lights went down. It was David, center stage. The tall, lanky singer-guitarist was soulfully strumming his instrument and swiveling his hips in increasingly tight jeans. His unbuttoned shirt revealed dark, curly chest hair. His eyes caught mine as he winked and said, “This one’s for Susan.” I got goose bumps. I got wet. I swayed as he serenaded me in his deep, sensual voice.
No matter that the stage was his bedroom in hovel filled with music equipment, secondhand synthesizers and outtakes from the demo tape that he’d been putting together for three years, or that he really wrote the song for some groupie named Gabrielle. I was enamored as David put down his guitar and pulled off his jeans and shirt to reveal his hot, sweaty, skinny body–and the even more impressive instrument that stood up from the area south of his belly button.
He sauntered over, ran his fingers through my long hair and gently kissed the back of my neck. I was a goner. I ripped off my own clothes. He grinned, put on a tape (his demo, of course) and with the wild energy and stamina of an 18-year-old, he rocked and rolled me all night long. The experience was a brilliant orchestration of sensual magic, and his performance was stunning!
Pamela Anderson, Valerie Bertinelli, and Stephanie Seymour are among members of that special sisterhood who know first hand that rock musicians are the wildest, most exciting, poetic and passionate men on the planet. You don’t have to be an actress, supermodel or stripper to snag one–every hometown guy with a guitar wants to be a rock star–but are you ready for a rock and roller coaster ride with your very own red-blooded balladeer? If so, be brave, beware, and follow Scandalouwomen’s tips for picking up a music man of your own.
Why Men Become Musicians
It’s a calling. Men who make music take it very seriously and will want you to, as well. Aside from the pleasure of playing, the allure of the spotlight and license to act like a teenager, there’s another per: “Sex,” says Zac Leeds, lead singer-guitarist of a New York band. “Getting girls is the single biggest incentive. Most musicians are nerds who transformed themselves with their music. Guys who were popular in high school, the jocks, became investment bankers. Musicians are insecure, they crave attention. They’re driven to prove something. Look at Mick Jagger, Axl Rose–those guys don’t look like studs. Prince is a dwarf with a Napoleon complex. They use music to get sex and validate themselves.”
Where To Find Your Music Man
Rehearsal and recording studios, music stores, all-night diners, live music clubs, clubs where his band is playing and parks midweek in the middle of the afternoon. (The guy wearing black, in dark glasses and scrawling into a notebook could be your rock’n’roll Romeo.)
Secret Strategies For Snagging Him
Pretend you’re a music journalist interested in doing a story on his band and interview him. If you can carry a tune, audition for backup singer gigs. Take guitar lessons. If you have connections, get backstage passes to big concerts. If not, flirt with roadies to make connections to get backstage at concerts. Temp as a receptionist or secretary at a music company, wear tight dresses to work and smile as all the lusty performing artists pass by.
When To Snag Him
When he’s on tour in your city, and before he’s famous enough to have big, burly bouncers guarding his backstage dressing room.
“The best time is right after his show. That’s when he’s the most vulnerable, open, and exposed,” reveals John Mulcahy, lead singer and bass player with the band Product. “Tell him in an honest and specific way what you enjoyed about his music–the lyrics, the energy he showed on stage.”
When He May Really Be Available
“The best point in his life to catch him is when he’s established enough to not have to play $75 gigs at smelly dives and isn’t so career-obsessed that you have to play second-fiddle to his guitar,” suggests Dana Mars, a 40-plus song man, who heads his own company, Mars Records. “Or get his when he starts losing his hair, when he’s in his 40s, when he’s tired.”
Worst Time To Make A Pass
When he’s 18. At 9 a.m. Right before his show.
Don’t Even Consider A Musician If…
“Dating a musician is like baby-sitting a maniac,” says music lawyer Franklin Douglas, who’s represented more than a few music business bad boys.
Since rock is all about rebellion and resistance to growing up, it’s not uncommon for a rocker to act like a child filled with wonder (It’s said that Jim Morrison once pulled his penis out onstage and later explained, “I just wanted to see what it looked like in the spotlight.”) Just keep in mind that he’s probably not acting.
Other tips that a music man could never be your soulmate:
* You’re an early bird who likes to have conversations at 7 a.m.
* You fly into a frenzy if your guy’s not monogamous.
* You want a conventional life.
* You care what your parents think.
* You don’t like music.
* You don’t like his music.
* You want him to turn into a regular guy.
What Will Attract Him
* Your tits
* Your face
* Your legs
* Your ass
* Your ability to suck up to his ego
* Your soul
Physical attributes do matter to many rockers. This is not to say you must look like a model, but you will definitely want to play up the sex goddess in you to get his attention. In the book Generation Sex (Harper Paperbacks, 1995), Dr. Judy Kuriansky interviewed dozens of famous rockers on what they look for in women. “I like thin girls who are funny–and hooters, of course. They gotta have ’em,” says Gilby Clarke of Guns N’Roses. Poison’s lead singer Bret Michaels adds he’s looking for “magnetism, personality, beautiful eyes and shoulders, and nice supple breasts.” Former Motley Crue member Vince Neil says, “Legs and the face matter too, and conversation comes into it somewhere.” Aerosmith’s Steven Tyler minces no words: “I really like the sluts. I have a thing for girls who just strut their stuff and have skinny little butts.”
What To Wear
Figure out of you want to be his groupie or his girlfriend. If it’s your goal to screw him silly, strap on your sluttiest, most revealing outfits and let all your tattoos and pierced body parts shine. Sidle up to him after his set and in a lascivious voice offer him a blow job.
To be taken seriously as a relationship candidate, be comfortable and authentic. “Don’t put on a facade,” warns Mulcahy. “If you get decked out just once a month in the Wonder-Bra thing you’ll spend too much time trying to recreate your own myth. If you want to be real, don’t put on airs.” But don’t overlook the possibility of presenting your best assets with class; a bustier beneath a conservative business suit or jacket is a killer combination.
How To Get His Attention
Breasts in his face work with most normal males, particularly of those of the rocker species, yet many prefer a soft, subtle come-on.
“Friendliness is better than blatant sexuality at first,” says Fowler. “For me, the groupie thing is a turn-off. If a woman comes on too strong after a show, I think she just likes me because of the band.”
How To Keep His Attention
“Don’t sleep with him the first time,” says Mulcahy. “That will really drive him nuts and make him want you, especially if he’s famous and used to females who smother him with sex offers.”
The other thing many rockers look for in a woman: a classic combo of vulnerability and power–she looks beautiful and seems to need his protection, but has a job and can take care of herself!
As Glenn Danzig puts it, “I like a woman who doesn’t rely on me for everything. I don’t want someone I have to watch over all the time.”
What To Do When You Find Him
Develop the patience of a saint and prepare to spend a lot of time waiting around–waiting for him to call or show up, waiting for him at his shows, and waiting around with him as he waits for things to happen. Musicians spend their lives hanging out, waiting–for a gig, a record deal, fame, fortune, last call.
How To Impress Him With Presents
You’ll make him hard for a week if you get him front row seats to see his favorite band or a gift certificate for a table dance at a local strip club.
Other stuff he’ll love:
* 10 hours of secretarial work (he can’t manage paperwork to save his life)
* a housecleaning
* brownies you bake for him
* a subscription to a hot music magazine
* handmade jewelry or a work of art with special significance
* Elvis movies on video
How To Play Along Without Getting An Achy-Breaky Heart
* Get a life so you don’t wind up feeling like a groupie. (Not too much of a life that you can’t go on the road with him if he asks.)
* Threaten to leave, the way Jerry Hall did when she found a telegram from Mick’s ex-flame, Carla Bruni (being rich, having a career, a wedding ring and his three kids help).
* Date other men, preferably several at once, so that you feel you have fewer expectations and more options. (Scandalous Women KNOW this already!!)
* See a shrink to find out why you find nice, stable guys so dull.
* Use condoms and always practice the safest sex.
* Keep yourself desirable, fit and mentally prepared–the threat of actresses, models, and groupies is everywhere.
What Musicians Really Want From You
Musicians are like all men, only they need more attention and feedback. Accept, understand and love him; be his constant audience and biggest fan. Make him the center of attention at all times, laugh at his jokes and praise everything about him. Tell him he’s a genius. He’ll believe you.
His Biggest Turn-Ons
Creating and performing music are his greatest pleasures, followed only by the desire to be seen and then swarmed by important people (and babes) who compliment and applaud him. Other top priorities on his list:
* A steady gig
* A recording contract
* Free food (they don’t call them “starving artists” for nothing)
* Inner harmony
* A girlfriend who’ll be his audience, go to his gigs, listen to him babble about finding his inner-harmony, cook for him–basically, a 24-hour one-woman fan club.
What Musicians Hate
* The drummer in his band, unless he is the drummer, in which case he hates everybody else in the band
* Getting up before noon
* Playing music with someone who’s not serious about it
* Anybody else with an audience, a gig, or a record deal
* Playing weddings and bar mitzvahs
* Taking a day job
* Club owners he has to follow around to get paid
* People he considers clueless music critics
* People in the audience who talk while he’s playing
* Women who put pressure on him to settle down
* Chicks who don’t let him complain and groan about all these things
* Growing up
What Musicians Talk About
Be prepared to talk endlessly about his favorite subjects and listen to him talk endlessly about his favorite subjects. These include:
* His music
* His band
* His last show
* His performance
* What you think of his performance
* What everyone else thought of his performance
* How he’ll blow everyone out of the water with his next performance
* His potential record deal
* His inner harmony
* His stupid drummer
* Old episodes of Star Trek
* Sex and how he really gave it to you the night before!
The Most Important Thing In His Life
Sorry, but it’s not you, babe. His music is his life. His band is his family. His instrument is his mistress. If his pad were burning down and he could save you or his guitar…Well, you didn’t really expect him to leave his guitar, did you? Don’t count on the perks of traditional relationships–like being taken out to dinner or your sister’s wedding–if they get in the way of a gig, rehearsal or career opportunity.
What Musicians Don’t Do
* Wake up early
* Eat healthy food
* Work a 9-to-5 job
* Dance well
They live, play, breathe, eat and worship music, but they just don’t move gracefully to it when they’re not on stage.
Here’s The Good News
Musicians love sex. But if you want to assure yourself enough of it, you’ve got to reassure him, lots. Practice saying, “You’re a genius,” and “I want to suck your cock.” They love getting praise and head, and musician’s worst secret fear is that the other guys in the band have gotten/are getting/will get more sex/girls/head than he has/does/will. So learn to repeat this mantra to him, especially in bed: “All other instruments are stupid and pointless and the guys who play them are impotent wimps. Especially drummers.” And then let him know that even though every guy in the band dreams of burying his brow in your cleavage, you are his and his alone.
Cock Rock: Why Musicians Are Magical In Bed
They’ve got rhythm. They’re passionate, sensitive and aware of emotions, which they sing about. Playing music for hours is great exercise so they’re in shape. They care about their physical appearance because it’s part of their power.
Diane, twice married to musicians, says specific talents in sexual performance depend on his instrument: guitarists, pianists, drummers and bass players are good with their hands; guys who play the sax, flute clarinet, trumpet or trombone are adept with their lips and tongues. Singers, poets and songwriters are great at whispering sweet nothings and serenading you to orgasm.
His music. His band. His manager. Other women to watch out for: groupies, models, actresses, trust fund babes rebelling against banker fathers, and women who play in his band. (Just ask Bruce Springsteen’s ex-wife, Julianne Phillips.)
Reasons To Reconsider That Dentist
* Jimi Hendrix
* Jim Morrison
* Kurt Cobain
* “Airheads,” the movie
Playing The Muse
You may end up in the rock’n’roll girlfriends hall of fame if he writes a song about you and becomes famous enough for a lot of people to hear it. Composed in the heat of passion, it means nothing, but what a cool thing to tell your grandchildren in decades to come. Rosanna Arquette inspired Toto’s “Rosanna.” Eric Clapton wrote “Layla” for Patti Boyd (who was George Harrison’s wife at the time), and Billy Joel wrote the lyrics “I love you just the way you are” to his wife right before he left her for supermodel Christie Brinkley. He then penned “Uptown Girl” for Brinkley, who later divorced him and married a billionaire.
Hit The Road Jack And Don’t You Come Back
You’ll know it’s time to go solo when:
* You catch him in bed with another woman (or man), and instead of jumping up and making excuses, he asks you to get him a beer.
* You’ve had it with his drinking, drugging, and philandering.
* You’re tired of playing Wendy to his Peter Pan.
* You’re sick of waiting for him to return the messages you left at the hotel he’s staying at, or even waiting for him to show up for dinner.
* He owes you money, promises to return it the minute he gets paid for his last gig, then shows up with a new instrument.
* He hits you for the first time, or you feel like you want to slug him all the time.
He’ll charm you, perform for you and make you feel like a rock goddess when the going is good. You’ll also get CDs, backstage passes to his shows and ripped T-shirts he leaves at your pad. Hold on to ’em, he may be famous someday! And when he is, you can write a tell-all about your stormy love match (a la Angela Bowie and Marianne Faithfull) or, a hit song, like Carly Simon’s “You’re So Vain” (reportedly about Warren Beatty).
Busting The Rocker Myth
The image of the cock-rock, glam rocker, model-marrying music man may be a distortion of reality. While there are still those who dig a blow job backstage, enjoy the attention of groupies and live as hyper-sexual beings looking for the next greatest party, prettiest babe or best gig, some guys actually hang up their instruments and go home to the girl next door (such as Jon Bon Jovi) or wish they could.
“It’s definitely a myth that recording stars and rockers always get what they want,” comments singing star Jon Secada. “Personally, I’m looking for a real person, a person who likes me for who I am, and not just for what I have. The physical side is important, but I think it all really starts with the heart.”
Next Best Thing To A Musician
Music producers. Record company executives and PR men. Studio engineers. Sound technicians. Music critics. Lighting designers of clubs and concerts. Roadies, rock deejays. They might not have the musical chops or the intensity of a real player, but they mingle in the same medium and just might be able to have a real relationship.