Calling The Shots: The joys of a female-led relationship

female-led relationship

It’s around six o’clock on a Thursday night and I’m sitting down to write this article. I look across to the kitchen to spy on my husband’s somewhat clumsy efforts at preparing us dinner. He is wearing his favorite comfy sweats and as he vigorously stirs and laboriously pours, he is tunelessly whistling to himself. It’s an endearing yet annoying habit. I may need to break him of it one of these days.

As I watch my man busily attending to one of his many household chores, it’s deeply satisfying to know that I have him where I want him. If I were to tell him to get naked right now, he would. If I said “stop cooking those steaks and go and make me a shepherd’s pie”, he would duly try to do just that (most likely burning our house down in the process, but still.) And of course, If I told him to go and fetch the nasty wooden spanking paddle sitting beside our bed, he would do that too, although he might pout a little.For now, I’m content to leave him alone and let him cook dinner. I have to admit though, it is nice to know he will do whatever I want.

My husband and I live in a female-led relationship, or FLR for short. A FLR simply refers to a relationship in which the woman has the final say. This is not such a radical concept really, let’s face it. Most people know at least one couple where the female seems to call the shots, right? The only real difference is that in a FLR this power is acknowledged and celebrated. Oh, and yes, it can be a little more extreme! So what kind of control are we talking about? Well, it can be expressed in highly sexual and kinky ways, and it can make its presence known in life outside of the bedroom; in financial, lifestyle and social decisions. It can be hard or soft, fun or intense, challenging or entirely natural. The most important thing that you can take away about FLRs is that there is not one right definition for them. The only right way is the one that works for you and your partner.

For my husband and me, it is simply our way of life. It’s actually quite difficult to “see” the power exchange between us unless I really think hard about it, because it is just “what we do”. I control the bank accounts, I make the decisions on our social life and our sex life focuses around him doing exactly what I like.

Some women might read this and think, “Argh. That sounds like a lot of work!” But it doesn’t have to be. The woman does not suddenly need to start behaving like a dominatrix or a whip wielding ice queen, if she doesn’t want to. Hell, no one can sustain that kind of energy for too long. Equally, the guy doesn’t need to assume the role of some kind of uber-obedient and mindless robot. Yes, sometimes the energy within the relationship can be intense and powerful, but at other times we just relax and enjoy one another’s company. It needn’t be oppressive or demanding. In fact it can have a really playful and light energy to it. I know we laugh a lot (admittedly sometimes it is just me laughing).

It’s not all about sex either. Grumpiness in the morning is part of a relationship. Sitting down on the couch and watching reruns of MASH is part of a relationship. This is as true for a FLR as it is for any equality based relationship.

OK having said that, the sex is fun. If you’re the kind of woman who enjoys her sex on her own terms, then an FLR can be perfect. After all, if the guy isn’t performing up to the required specifications you can make damn sure he lifts his game. On top of this, for many couples living a FLR it may be a given that the woman has the exclusive authority to find her fun wherever she may. This is how we live it, and I can definitely attest that having options to try someone new from time to time keeps things exciting for both me and him.

Most of all, what I love about a FLR, and what keeps me passionately committed to living this way is that a female led relationship is about NOT being lazy. Let’s face it, men can sometimes get lazy in a relationship. The rules and realities of a FLR throw a challenge down for the male to keep investing himself emotionally and mentally into making the relationship exciting and vibrant. The beauty of our power exchange is that it tends to keep our relationship sharp, passionate and intense.

As I’m winding up this article my hubby is setting the table for dinner. It’s funny to watch him at work. I’m seeing his trademark combination of attentiveness and male denseness. He’s made the effort to choose the wine he knows I like, and he has gone to the rather laborious and unnecessary effort of folding a couple of napkins into paper cranes. Cute. At the same time he has placed a big ol’ bottle of ketchup in the middle of the table and he’s slopped gravy all over the place.

I don’t mind though. A FLR isn’t about expecting perfection or having everything exactly as I envision it. It’s about having a guy who puts in an A grade effort and does his best to please. It’s me expressing my natural dominance and him his natural submissiveness. Most of all, it’s being passionate about one another.

[AMAZONPRODUCTS asin=”B00BB3EP4C”]The definitive guide to Female Led Relationships. If you are interested in starting an FLR this book will help. It will show both men and women how to approach your partner, how to create an agreement, how to take control, how to maintain control and how to avoid major pitfalls of any relationship, FLR or not, and even have some fun doing it..


  1. I guess I’m in a FLR. We haven’t made it official – it just sort of worked out that way. I think these days women are naturally dominant to an extent, much more so than in our mother’s and grandmother’s time. Many couples I know have elements of FLR in their relationships.

    • I agree to an extent. I think the balance of social and professional power is sort of tipping women’s way. Men see that. And nothing makes you more in demand than when you have options. Guys are probably much more willing to conform to what we want now.

  2. This article, like many here, runs counter to the laws of nature and God that made our country great.

    1 Timothy 2:12 – Do not permit a woman to teach or to exercise authority over a man; rather, she is to remain quiet.

    Colossians 3:18 – Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.

    All of you are bunch of harlots here.

  3. This is a great piece! As a Christian and a writer for Scandalous, I find the above comments interesting. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. – Matthew 7:2
    Lauren, there is a difference between being religious and spiritual, but I agree with your comment. 😉